Betsy Kneepkens: Family divisions over faith pose challenges with my mother dying

Faith and Family 
 

“It takes the supernatural to be Catholic in today’s culture” was what my parish priest proclaimed in his homily at a Mass last week. 

As I have mentioned many times in this column, I am one of 13 living siblings, and my mother is currently packing for her final journey home. My parents raised us as Catholics in Chicago from the ’60s to the ’80s. Sunday and holy day Masses were always an observed obligation, all children went to Catholic schools, and you said prayers before dinner. 

As an adult, I think my siblings and I lacked the necessary formation to complement what we were learning in our Catholic schools. Faith is essential in the dying process, and many different faith concepts are causing confusion and tension among my family members. 

There are a few of my brothers and sisters that practice nothing, and a couple of them don’t believe in God. A few siblings have selected other non-Catholic Christian faith communities but choose not to practice them either. A brother and a sister have decided that some “points” of Catholicism work for them. However, they rely on the personal revelation of their “inner spirit” to direct them. Several siblings call themselves Catholic, but perhaps their relationship is more like club membership. In other words, they call themselves Catholic, were baptized, and were confirmed; however, they don’t attend Mass or receive the sacraments. These siblings are not intentionally in a community with other Catholic believers. A few siblings continue to practice the faith, attend Mass, receive the sacraments, strive to grow in union with Christ, and continue to develop in their Catholicism. 

I have learned that this sort of family diversity is challenging when dealing with life, death, and the importance of eternity. 

Unfortunately, my mother may have assumed her children were of like mind and that the death and dying process would be uncomplicated. None of her children have a lot of experience with the dying process. A small group of us knew that assisting our mother in ways that immerse her in her Catholic beliefs would support a happy death. As a few of us tried to help her pack her “spiritual and physical bags” for her future home, some of our siblings met our attempts with disdain, ridicule, and sometimes rage. Who would ever think a recitation of the rosary among people raised Catholic would be controversial? 

Sadly, much of our formation during childhood was a “groovy” relationship with Christ. We meditated with waterfalls, the poem “Footprints in the Sand” was our Apostles Creed, and our catechism discussed faith in dyads and triads. These were the trends of the time, and not all bad, but without a solid catechetical foundation, I now see how the relationship with Christ flounders. 

Life is bigger than feelings. Without knowing the tenets of the faith, several of my family members could not separate the difference between the divine nature of the church and the wounded human part of the church. The clergy scandal quickly gave some members of my family the motivation or excuse to give up on Christ and his church. For many of my siblings, the hope of salvation has become almost a fairy tale, and earthly life is not consequential to any afterlife. 

The problem with this scenario is that my mom is dying, there is a ton of baggage, and most of my siblings, without faith, have nothing to lean into. From my perspective, the situation appears insular without ways to support or help my mom with her journey. Our beautiful Catholic faith has given us a pathway, an opportunity for a joyful disposition, an understanding of suffering, and a sacred invitation to allow Christ to pour out graces on my Mom and our family members. Sadly, this has not been the case. 

As practicing Catholics, we have some non-negotiables, like anointing, a Catholic funeral Mass, and burial. My mother’s assumptions are now misserving her. The family members’ unwillingness to support her faith journey leaves us in a challenging situation. There is tension between fractions, and it causes obstinacy to the faith my mother has claimed, and in which we have been raised. At a time of unity, there is a great deal of division. Some of us actively seek family unity and, where there can be a compromise, to extend it. However, a delicacy needs to happen between compromise and the spiritual transition she sowed for a lifetime. 

As my family struggles, no doubt the answer requires supernatural intervention. There seems to be a hardness of heart, a lack of acceptance of death, and anger. Over time, I began seeing God pouring out graces in this chaos and mess. From those faithful Catholic siblings, you could see a palpable peace, an order to think and process the end of life, and an acceptance of the hopeful eternity. 

The confused asked questions like “Why can’t you spread her ashes everywhere?” “What is the purpose of the Anointing of the Sick?” and “Why is forgiveness so important on this side of eternity?” 

A few went to Mass who had not gone in years, and others asked basic questions about the faith. Some even found scripture to quote. As of yet, there haven’t been any explosive conversions, but these little seeds of restlessness were enough for me to believe that a little of what practicing Catholics had, had been wanted by those who tried to deny their baptismal faith. 

With most of the supernatural graces to my mother, may she rest in peace. 

Betsy Kneepkens is director of the Office of Marriage, Family, and Life for the Diocese of Duluth and a mother of six.