Fifth son heading into independence and adult life

This month’s article was written while I was traveling to St. Louis for my fifth son’s college graduation. You can’t help using that time to ponder how quickly time has gone. 

My graduating son had to endure half his college experience under stringent COVID rules. He came home early in his freshmen year and had to live by himself his sophomore year and eat alone in the cafeteria. His family was encouraged not to visit him, and he was encouraged not to come home. The rigors of rules and prohibitions overshadowed this critical time of his college formation, and many in-person class encounters were relegated to online. As his parent, you feel your son was cheated out of a significant life experience. All the obstacles and cancellations made the experience seem much shorter and less fulfilling than what my other children received. 

My son’s post-college includes a move to Dallas, Texas. This next chapter makes his first professional position in a city where he knows no one. Each of my other children have been able to begin anew with another family member or a support network established. As parents, we tried to intentionally create a family culture where the siblings have each other and value regular engagement. We did this “count on each other” approach because we knew we wouldn’t be there for them forever, so we wanted them always to know they would have each other. 

There is something to be said about the safety and unconditional sibling friendship that creates a safety net where even if you are not living with each other, you always have someone behind you. My son is an adult, but it does not stop his mom from worrying about how he will manage in a huge city alone. 

Of course, my son feels unfazed about the whole new situation. He is excited about independence without studying, the new employment challenge, and living on more than a few hundred dollars a month. My son was surprised that his new salary, which seemed enormous when offered, was quickly gobbled up with basic living expenses like rent, electricity, garbage, car insurance, and student loans. The idea of affordable housing hits home when your child graduates, gets a decent job, and still struggles to come out ahead. As a society, we must figure out how to make life more manageable for young people. 

I had the opportunity to travel with my son to check out places to live. I enjoyed listening to his hopes and dreams of what he thinks this new beginning would mean for him. At times he sounded very unrealistic, but I knew the early visit to Dallas would bring the whole matter into reality. He quickly learned that where he wanted to live, uptown Dallas, with others his age, was not the most fabulous idea. The stock of housing that he thought he could afford was in terrible condition, in the less-than-desirable portion of uptown, and traffic while driving to work would be horrendous. My husband and I were aware that was likely the situation, but we knew the lesson was best learned by our son seeing the problem for himself. 

As a mom, I was excited that he eventually decided on a safer community, although we let him know that nowhere is perfectly safe. He found a flexible complex with amenities that would help him get to know people outside of work. The traffic is still an issue, but he found a place half the distance from uptown, so although frustrating, it is perhaps more manageable. 

Most importantly, for his mom and dad, he sought a location near a Catholic community he thought he could thrive in, a parish that appears active and prioritizes engaging young people. Better yet, using the Masstimes.org app, he could see several Catholic parishes near his new home. Of all my sons, he has been the one that takes the least risk and is the least outgoing. This move to Dallas will undoubtedly challenge him, forcing him to go outside his comfort zone. 

Until this weekend, I have been bringing up these sons for the past 33 years. I could never overstate the joy of raising these boys to men. If I could turn back time, I would choose to do it all over again, even now, knowing the few hard moments we encountered. I will not miss their frequent wrestling, but they were so funny and still are. 

As a parent, getting my fifth son off the payroll is exciting, but dang, I will miss the regular appreciation he showed us for every little thing we did for him. He never expected anything from us and was always careful to try to figure things out himself before he asked for something he needed. All our kids were that way, but our fifth son was particularly conscientious. 

I still have a daughter in college, but my hands-on parenting will become obsolete in two years. I am grateful my children are so good at helping each other and better at pushing each other to do the hard things that are almost always the right thing. Letting our son fly is proper, and we intellectually know he is well-prepared for this next step. That knowledge does not necessarily convince the heart that we want this to happen already. The best part of expressing this in writing, instead of in something like a video, is that the tears a mother sheds before having to accept this new reality are forever unrecorded. 

I continue to pray for my son, as I do for all my children, that they accept the grace God will lavish upon them, so they take what we know God equipped them to handle and make the best version of their selves for the sake of others, all while I pray God has equipped their parents with the courage and strength to thrive and strive in the life journey ahead of them. 

Betsy Kneepkens is director of the Office of Marriage, Family, and Life for the Diocese of Duluth and a mother of six