Schools: We have to help our children learn to be resilient

Guest columnist 

“You are way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness ….” I woke up this morning with this song in my head wondering if it was the Holy Spirit spurring me to change course and write about something other than the topic I had intended for this column. Marquette Catholic School has some families who are going through some extraordinarily difficult situations, and they have been on my heart every day. I am learning to trust God in these moments, so here I am shifting gears addressing something a little more raw, but so very real and relevant: the topic of suffering. 

As adults with years of life experience, most of us know suffering to some degree. We’ve likely experienced loss and hardship. We’ve had to deal with pain. Generations of parents have been raising their kids differently in how they deal with these struggles. Some parents have their kids experience difficult things (sometimes in excess), reassuring them they will be OK, telling them to “get tough” or “rub some dirt on it.” Some parents act as helicopters hovering over their kids ready to swoop in and save them from anything — or anyone — that is causing them pain or frustration. One of the more recent evolutions of parenting styles has been the lawnmower or snowblower parent — parents who do everything in their power to clear a path for their kids, so they won’t experience hardships or struggles. 

Out of love and the best of intentions, it is natural for us to want to harbor our kids from wounds, disappointment, failure, and unhappiness. But the reality is that our kids will experience these things, and we must determine how we can best give them a solid foundation to help them see through difficult times. 

In her article, “Raising Resilient Human Beings,” Kerrie Rivard accounted her personal family story of pain and suffering and the critical part her faith in God played in it. “I came to realize that our faith does not make perfect people. It makes strong people, healed people. Healed people experience trauma, sin, weakness, and failure, and become strong through the experience of mercy …. If I had been successful in shielding my child from challenges, difficulties, and failures, I would have taken away her chance to develop resiliency and experience the mercy of the Father,” she writes. 

In another article, “The Importance of Incorporating Suffering into our Children’s Worldviews,” Hillary Morgan Ferrer suggests that “a coherent, Christian worldview anticipates the storms of life…. If our children are going out into the world without suffering being a part of their worldview, they will inevitably feel betrayed. The storms will come …. Our goal should always be to present the story of reality, in all its gnarled-up, sinful glory … (and knowing) the promise that we have from Jesus is not freedom from suffering, but rather company during suffering.” 

She also recognizes the tendency of parents to not want their kids to see their parents suffer, but says, “I think it is important for them to see us suffer well …. A person who suffers well can testify to the reality of Christ in a way that arguments never will. Embrace the struggle and let your kids watch you praise God in the storm. They will remember it.” 

Rivard shares six lessons she learned that could help parents support kids going through difficult times: 

Lesson 1: Don’t shield your children from all challenges and failures. It’s more loving to let them learn to navigate challenges as children and teenagers, while we are walking by their side, than to have the big brick wall of reality hit them for the first time during their adult life. 

Lesson 2: Be a safe place. Kids may blame you, spew unkind words, and roll their eyes at you. Paradoxically, it may be because they know how much you love them, and because they trust you. In a difficult world, you may be the only place they feel safe enough to let it all out. Stay calm, help them process their feelings. 

Lesson 3: Teach them to reframe. Reframing involves recognizing negative thoughts, analyzing them, and seeing reality through a different, more positive frame or lens. 

Lesson 4: Model brave love that isn’t striving to “be the best” but to “give your best.” Resilient people are not crushed by failures, rejections, wounds, and traumas, but know that God heals and builds love through adversity. Resilient people are less afraid of being hurt and freer to love others no matter the circumstances. Praise kids for how they are loving others and themselves, rather than for the results of their efforts, which are not often in their control. 

Lesson 5: Speak the hope that you have in faith. As parents, model selfless love that has an abiding peace, even in the face of pain and difficulty. Be honest about challenges but recognize and articulate the good in the situation. If the circumstances are so dark that you can’t see the good, recognize and verbalize to your children that it will come, and that sometimes we must walk through darkness before we see the light. 

Lesson 6: Teach kids they are worth more than they achieve. The pressure on kids to succeed is enormous. Instinctively, we want to protect our children from adversity and failure. Stop. Let them face dragons. Let them fail. But be there beside them. As parents, we need our kids to see we value who they are more than what they achieve and that they can come up with solutions to problems on their own. Show this by praising their efforts and character instead of just their accomplishments. 

As parents, we need to see the value and necessity of allowing our kids to experience adversity, walk with them and give them the skills to work through it, teach them that suffering is part of life and that we also have a God who loves us and is with us in it. For our Marquette students and families and anyone else who is enduring challenges or suffering, I offer a final piece of wisdom that Rivard shared: “Pray a lot. Pray, let God guide you, and let him guide your child. Sit in His arms and let him love you through this. Ask for the gift of trust and lay this burden at His feet. It’s for him to heal, not for you to carry and try to control.” 

Jesus truly is our way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper, and light in the darkness. Let us live in his promise in Isaiah 41:10: “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

May God bless and keep you always. 

Lisa Kvas is principal of Marquette Catholic School in Virginia.