Betsy Kneepkens: First ‘Tour of Sons’ is a success

Faith and Family

When my husband and I settled in Duluth nearly 40 years ago, we noticed how close the community and families were. We moved into a neighborhood near our church and were surrounded by other Catholic families. Most of these families had children the same age as our kids. Many of our friends were raised in that area and returned to raise their families. We are noticing that third-generation families are purchasing homes, moving into the same neighborhood, and choosing to settle their families like the generations before theme. 

I anticipated living in northern Minnesota for two to three years and then moving once we had children. Growing up in Chicago and attending college in the Twin Cities, I was a big-city girl who needed all the hustle and bustle to thrive. Once we had children, we realized that a smaller community for raising children would be better. We realized we could go to the Twin Cities if we needed important activities like professional sports, larger stores, and more “cultural” activities. We eventually learned that it wasn’t even necessary. 

We found out that our large Catholic family’s friends frequently engaged in similar family activities. There were those large Sunday night dinners and cabins near each other, and when a child received a sacrament, we observed the massive fanfare it created. Our friends often invited us into these large, yet intimate gatherings and frequently stepped in as family for our children when they received their sacrament. These families essentially “adopted” us during these exciting life events. 

As I was raising my children, I frequently envisioned our home as a family headquarters for my children and grandchildren. We built our home to accommodate such a scenario. I wanted to be the kind of grandparents where the grandkids were running in and out of the house, the cousins were each other’s best friends, and ultimately, we would be the pew hoarders taking up the last three pews of our church. After Mass, I saw our extended family finishing our Sunday mornings with brunch at our house. I honestly could not think of a better way to retire. 

What one hopes for is only sometimes one’s reality. As I write this article, my husband and I are embarking on the first of many 3,000-mile road trips we call “The Tour of Sons.” Our six children are young adults. Our five sons all live in large cities throughout the greater Midwest. We have sons in Minneapolis, Chicago, St. Louis, Nashville, and Dallas, which I guess you could call the lower Midwest. Our daughter is still in Utah going to college, so she was not included in this year’s tour. They all are happy living in larger metropolitan places, giving us little hope that they will return to the Northland. 

As newer professionals, our sons have limited vacation time. I recall my parents being disappointed that we did not travel home to Chicago more often. With six kids, both of us working, and limited financial resources, the challenge of visiting them posed internal strife and became almost overwhelming when we did go. It is never fun to have people visit you when they don’t want to be there. 

I will always love it when my children come home to the Northland. For me, there is nothing more comforting than all my children sleeping under our roof. Although we are thrilled when this happens, we understand that the travel, time off, and coordination is burdensome. In this stage of life, my husband’s and my goal is to spend as much time as possible with our children, even if that time is not in our family home. 

We understand that always expecting our children to visit us in our home would impose an unnecessary burden on our children. We remember how it felt when we were younger, so my husband and I created the first of hopefully many “Tours of Sons.” (I guess we will have to modify that title once our daughter graduates.) The concept was not overly complicated. We packed our car and headed out at 5:15 a.m. We drove to one of our sons’ homes, spent two nights, and moved on to the next. 

Fortunately, most of our children work remotely, so we all were able to work, and when we had a break, we could spend time together. Our goal was simple: to be with them, to be present, and to enjoy our time with them. There were no complicated plans. We ate lunch when they had a break, and when done with work, we ate dinner, had a conversation, and walked the neighborhood. They showed us around town, and we met some of their friends. We got a glimpse of their lives and the world they live in. They all seemed very happy with their decision and had acclimated to their new environments even if it was nearing 100 degrees in every “son” city we traveled to. 

One part of the “Tour of Sons” we didn’t plan on was the quiet time my husband and I had in our long drives every few days. Sometimes, we sat in silence, sometimes, we listened to podcasts, and other times recalled stories about raising our children. We laughed, corrected each other’s misremembered situations, and prayed together. My husband had to have patience with me as I asked for another rest stop and consistently questioned what city and state we were in, all while I freely dozed on and off as he bravely did all 3,000 miles (about the width of the United States) of our journey in eight short days. 

The last third of my life will be much different than I envisioned. I will say that the “Tour of Sons” 2024 was a huge success, not only because it provides the best substitute for not having my adult children around, but it has also provided my husband and me time where we can be present to each other without the life distractions. I am unsure when the next “Tour of Sons” will be, but I know there will be one. We might plan it when the weather is like the Northland and add a few more days to enjoy our boys more. 

Betsy Kneepkens is director of the Office of Marriage, Family, and Life for the Diocese of Duluth and a mother of six.