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Faith and Family
On a Friday evening around 7 p.m., I observed young men exiting their cars. As they reached for their suit coats from the back of their vehicles, I saw them quickly helping each other, fixing ties, adjusting collars, and straightening suit coats. Shortly after that, other cars pulled up, and some young ladies in long dresses (exquisite and likely expensive) stepped out of their vehicles. The hair of the ladies was finely done, and they had high heels and bare shoulders, while it was chilly out, with no overcoats. I guessed it was senior prom.
Prom has dramatically changed over the years. My oldest son had a traditional prom experience in the early 2000s. My sons didn’t have many classmates, so the boys would discuss who they would ask, trying to ensure every girl had a prom invitation. The guys would then work on the style of prom date proposal, making sure the girl knew she would be asked so they could anticipate a yes. On the evening of this grand event, the boys would pick their dates up in their parents’ nicest car, usually go with another couple, then off to dinner at an expensive restaurant, where the guys would pay. After lots of pictures, the dates were off to the dance hall. There was an after-prom gathering at a supervised house, and I always insisted my kid come home at a late but reasonable hour. There were no co-ed sleepovers for the Kneepkens children.
With traditional proms came lots of parental stress. As a mom, not only did I have to worry about my own child making good decisions, but I also wanted the people that were with my sons to make good decisions. Fortunately, the ground rules were obvious enough that there were no issues.
By the time my youngest two went to prom, things had changed dramatically. They went to dinner and danced in groups, usually all girl and all guy groups. There were no Grand Marches, and the after events were either nonexistent or not something my kids were interested in. The students said the dancing was “lame” and that the event was, according to them, boring. At least one of my kids was home before 10 p.m. I felt like I dodged a bullet. All my children were prom goers, yet no adverse life events happened. I thought I had overcome the most challenging part of parenting.
Looking back now, I realize I was wrong. The prom should not have been about my worries. It should have been looked at as a life-growing experience for my children. I am sad about the seniors I observed walking into the dance hall in single-sex groups. They were not dating, and it appeared as if they were being denied an opportunity to learn about courting. Part of learning how to be a spouse in marriage is learned during courtship. In the past three years, the percentage of men under 30 who want to date went from 49% to 37%. Sixty-three percent of typical marriage-aged males don’t even want to date.
As a culture, we have messed up dating, romance, intimacy, and the institution of marriage for young adults. It has become so complicated and disordered that few want to engage in it. We have normalized pornography and hooking up (intimacy without emotions or connection). We have married couples without children and children without two parents. All of this can be traced back to a broken culture, and a lack of dating experience has something to do with it.
There is perceived trapping with dating. There is role confusion, where young people don’t know who is supposed to ask who out, and then if you go out, who will pay? If a man treats a woman like a lady, is he insulting her or minimizing her? Men feel that taking control of the situation by planning the who, what, and where signals that they are arrogant. Men say there are often mixed expectations, claiming they worry if they ask a gal out, their date would be considered more of a relationship than it is. Some are saying they are clueless and don’t care to learn.
Additionally, young people say that during COVID, it was me and my device, they don’t remember how to socialize. They fear their opinions might be different from the person they are dating and will be considered a bigot, “far wing” thinker if they engage in a conversation.
Another concern is that you are alone when dating. No one in your peer group is dating, so you become the oddball. Friends put distance between dating friends, and the daters are alone, losing their peer group. Twentysomethings say they have no money, and dating costs money that could be used on living expenses, food, housing, or student loans. I don’t think I thought of any of these concerns when I was in my dating days.
On top of everything else, young people generally prioritize themselves over others. They have heard the older generation say, “I have to take care of myself before I take care of others.” Our society is not well, so by only caring for themselves, they will never have enough to care for others. Unfortunately, they don’t realize that helping and loving one another creates satisfaction and joy and allows people to enter into an interdependent, complementary relationship.
Young people do not go to church at a high percentage. Church was a place where you could find members of the opposite sex who were like-minded with similar pathways. Some of my children struggle as they try to get involved in the dating scene. They often say that there are no young people at Mass. We have some severe issues in our culture, and it looks like a crisis, and the data suggest it is.
The problem is overwhelming, but if everyone cares and respects the order of creation, we can move the tide. We should bring the cotillion classes back. Our churches must become more than places to worship. We, as faithful, need to be the place that re-proposes life, love, and the created order again, not only for Catholics but also for the community surrounding the church. We cannot leave this up to the public square, government-funded educational institutions, and the media.
So that young people have foundation, we must set guidelines like starting dating at 16. We must return to age-old traditions like the Sweet Sixteen celebration, prom with a date, and the Grand Marches. We need to form young people so that they understand roles and behaviors in male and female relationships.
Family is synonymous with being Catholic. Families build the church and communities. One area that needs immediate attention is dating, and the Catholic Church is the right place to hold up courting healthily and significantly. A worried parent must do their job and set the foundation and allow dating to happen. Our Catholic culture must provide the framework, and we need to restart the family-building process again.
Betsy Kneepkens is director of the Office of Marriage, Family, and Life for the Diocese of Duluth and a mother of six.