Father Richard Kunst: Living ‘in other people’s heads’

Apologetics 

There’s a real freedom when you get to the point in life where you do not care about what other people think. I feel especially bad for teenagers, because they tend to be the ones most influenced by peer pressure; many teenagers are consumed with the thoughts of what other people think, and that is a real form of slavery, because it actually contributes to how they behave and what they wear as well as a whole host of other behaviors. As unfortunate as it is, it is a typical stage of life that most all of us go through. 

Generally speaking, we tend to think that it is the elderly who have come to the point in life where they don’t care what they say or what others think. And it is true that I have been embarrassed several times by elderly loved ones for things they have said or done in public. 

But I kind of feel like I am there already. Obviously in my role as priest and pastor I have to be pretty conscious of what and how I say things, in particular when I am preaching or teaching some class, but in general I am happy to say that I don’t really live in other people’s heads. I don’t really care what they think of me based on what I say or do. Now, I am not going to go around and say things just to shock people or make a fool of myself, at least not deliberately, but I do feel a sense of freedom in not being overly concerned about what people think of me. 

I am not on any form of social media, which I am grateful for. Social media can be good, but it also can extend some people’s adolescence. On Facebook, for example I know it is a big deal to some people to get a lot of “likes” on their posts. Now, I am not trying to cast stones here, but is that not a continuation of peer pressure and living in other people’s heads? Is that not too much concern for what other people think of us? 

I understand the desire, because my parish has a Facebook page, and from time to time I check it out and see how many comments and likes certain things are getting. I can see how easy it would be to get sucked into that. 

There is a scene in the Old Testament that illustrates pretty clearly the drawback of all of this and why we should not be preoccupied about what other people think. It happens right after the famous scene where the young David, a sheep farmer, takes on the experienced warrior giant Goliath in a battle. 

Of course we all know how it ends — the inexperienced shepherd kills the warrior with a rock and a sling leading Israel to victory over their enemies the Philistines. As King Saul and David were returning from battle, the first book of Samuel says, “The women played and sang: ‘Saul has killed his thousands, / and David his ten thousands’” (1 Samuel 18:7). To put it in modern terms, they “liked” what David posted over what Saul posted. 

The passage goes on to say, “Saul was very angry and resentful of the song, for he thought: ‘They give David ten thousands, but only thousands to me. All that remains for him is the kingship.’ And from that day on, Saul was jealous of David.” (18:8-9) If you know the rest of the story, you know that from that point on, Saul tries to kill David because of the jealousy. 

Saul cared too much for what the women thought of him, especially in relation to David, and as a result it did not go well for him. After this, Saul becomes a tragic figure for the rest of the story. There is a pretty good lesson here: Caring too much what other people think of us is almost always unhealthy, and it can get us to act stupidly, like it did to Saul. It only matters what God thinks of us. He alone is the one we should try to please, because how God sees us is how we really are. 

Imagine what the world would look like if what God thinks of us is what we were all most conscious of! If we posted things on our social media sites based on how God would like it. If we wore things based on how we thought God would approve, and said only the things God would want us to say. 

If we lived our lives that way — and we should — then our whole life would be better for it. Living in other people’s heads is almost always a bad place to live. 

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Father Richard Kunst is pastor of St. James and St. Elizabeth in Duluth. Reach him at [email protected].